我找不到靳騏。                                                                                                             這么多天下來(lái)，我打了很多次電話給靳騏，聽(tīng)到的聲音都是同一個(gè)“您所撥打的電話已停機(jī)”，那么冷漠的聲音在電話那頭重復(fù)了一遍又一遍。                                                                                                             一開(kāi)始的時(shí)候，我甚至還覺(jué)得，有可能一不小心手機(jī)掉了或是被人偷了的緣故，但是直到開(kāi)學(xué)三天，我已經(jīng)沒(méi)有瞧見(jiàn)靳騏的時(shí)候，所有的不安，在一瞬間全部都擴(kuò)大化了。                                                                                                             學(xué)校的宿舍，原本應(yīng)該是他的床位空無(wú)一物，床板上甚至已經(jīng)蒙上了一層灰塵。                                                                                                             如果到現(xiàn)在我都還沒(méi)有一個(gè)覺(jué)悟的話，那我真的成了2b還坐實(shí)了“x無(wú)大腦”這句話了。                                                                                                             他不會(huì)再出現(xiàn)了……                                                                                                             我有這個(gè)覺(jué)悟，卻不敢去相信，總覺(jué)得也許下一秒下一分鐘或者是明天能夠接到的他的電話，聽(tīng)著他那帶著笑意的聲音對(duì)我說(shuō)“啊，忘記給手機(jī)沖費(fèi)了，你是不是很擔(dān)心”，然后我會(huì)狠狠地罵他一頓，用吼的聲音告訴他，難道都不知道我會(huì)擔(dān)心的么。                                                                                                             我總以為，我不至于淪落到如此悲催地步的。                                                                                                             但是所有的一切都告訴我一個(gè)答案，我錯(cuò)了，而且還錯(cuò)的離譜。                                                                                                             “學(xué)姐，靳騏上學(xué)期末的時(shí)候辦理了休學(xué)，你不知道么？”靳騏一個(gè)室友有些不可思議地反問(wèn)著我。                                                                                                             “噓！”                                                                                                             那人的腦袋被另外一個(gè)男生狠狠地拍了一掌，他賠著笑。                                                                                                             “學(xué)姐，其實(shí)我們也不是很清楚?！彼χ瑢擂螣o(wú)b。                                                                                                             我沒(méi)應(yīng)話，就算是開(kāi)了口，也不清楚自己到底應(yīng)該說(shuō)什么，其實(shí)，不清楚的人一直只有我而已。                                                                                                             或者已經(jīng)是清楚了，卻總不愿意去相信。                                                                                                             nv人就是這樣，擅長(zhǎng)自欺欺人，用情感來(lái)麻痹自己所有的感覺(jué)。                                                                                                             我不知道為什么會(huì)來(lái)到這個(gè)地方，看著自己面前的住宅樓，不知不覺(jué)之中，我居然到了這個(gè)地方。                                                                                                             小雨淅瀝瀝地下著，來(lái)的時(shí)候忘記帶傘，淺藍(lán)se的羽絨服表面已經(jīng)沾sh了，順手一抹，沾染了一手的水，g燥的衣服sh答答的，雨滴順著頭發(fā)往著脖子里面一個(gè)勁地流淌著，就連脖子上的圍巾也擋不住那勢(shì)頭，明明應(yīng)該冰涼無(wú)b，但是我卻一點(diǎn)感覺(jué)都沒(méi)有。                                                                                                             所有的感覺(jué)，早就已經(jīng)被麻痹掉了。                                                                                                             我抬頭看著那一幢高高的公寓樓，看著靳騏住的那一層樓，在夜se下那里亮著燈。                                                                                                             亮著燈……                                                                                                             我看著那燈光，心理面莫名地有著一種感覺(jué)，他在的……他是在的……                                                                                                             “靳騏，開(kāi)門(mén)！”                                                                                                             我用力地按了兩下門(mén)鈴，用力地敲著門(mén)。他在的，他應(yīng)該是在的，不然的話，房子里面不可能亮著燈的，他在的，真的在的。                                                                                                             我不知道有沒(méi)有人看到此時(shí)此刻的我，或許我現(xiàn)在的樣子像是一個(gè)瘋子一樣，也合該是瘋子的一樣的……                                                                                                             “喀”的一聲，房間的門(mén)打開(kāi)了，一張俊秀的臉出現(xiàn)在門(mén)口，但是卻不是我等的那個(gè)人。李澈站在門(mén)口看著我，像是早就知道我回來(lái)一樣，從他的眼眸之中我能夠見(jiàn)到自己現(xiàn)在真的很掉臉，頭發(fā)被吹的凌亂不堪，雨水順著發(fā)梢不斷地往下滴著，狼狽無(wú)b。                                                                                                             “你來(lái)了？”李澈看著我，像是早已預(yù)料到我回來(lái)一樣，他的臉se平靜無(wú)b。                                                                                                             “靳騏呢？”我問(wèn)。                                                                                                             “你不是知道的么?！?nbsp;                                                                                                            李澈的聲音很平靜，我很少在李澈的臉上瞧見(jiàn)其他的表情，他像是面部神經(jīng)失調(diào)一樣，表情匱乏的可以，經(jīng)常冷冰冰的，拒人于千里之外的樣子，經(jīng)常會(huì)出現(xiàn)的表情都帶著一種譏屑的味道，說(shuō)出來(lái)的話也總帶著刺。                                                                                                             我是知道，只是我不甘心，為什么所有的人都清楚，只有我一個(gè)人在狀況外什么都不知道。                                                                                                             “靳騏呢？”                                                                                                             我抓著李澈的衣襟，咆哮馬化身一樣用力搖著他，如果現(xiàn)在的我是瓊瑤nv主的話，我一定會(huì)用夸張的表情，然后聲嘶力竭地吼著——“我覺(jué)得我快要窒息了”。                                                                                                             可是，心里面頓頓地疼著，空洞的可怕，就連呼x1都是疼的。                                                                                                             李澈掰下我攥著他衣襟不放的手。                                                                                                             “夠了，凌墨，”李澈的聲音冷得一如外頭的雨一樣，冰涼冰涼的，“他去英國(guó)了，大概不會(huì)再回來(lái)了。”                                                                                                             “這個(gè)早在半年前就已經(jīng)決定好了的，他注定會(huì)離開(kāi)的?！?nbsp;                                                                                                            那么我呢，我算是什么？                                                                                                             我很想這么問(wèn)，但是卻怎么也出不了聲來(lái)問(wèn)，就算問(wèn)了，又有什么意思呢。                                                                                                             他又不是靳騏，就算是給了我答案，也不是我想要的那個(gè)。                                                                                                             “李澈，從某個(gè)角度上來(lái)說(shuō)，你也算是一個(gè)溫柔的人?！?nbsp;                                                                                                            我扯開(kāi)笑容，伸手拍了拍李澈的肩膀，因?yàn)橐路先慷颊慈旧狭擞晁?，拍上的他的肩膀上的時(shí)候，也在他的肩膀上留下了印記。                                                                                                             原以為他從一開(kāi)始就不喜歡我，他說(shuō)我和靳騏之間不會(huì)有好結(jié)果，現(xiàn)在果然是應(yīng)驗(yàn)了這一句話，不是什么一語(yǔ)成讖也不是未卜先知，而是他早就已經(jīng)知道這一天早晚就會(huì)到來(lái)，一如他所說(shuō)的那樣是注定的。                                                                                                             他早早地提醒了我，只是我一直不愿意相信。                                                                                                             如果他那個(gè)時(shí)候能夠溫柔地對(duì)我說(shuō)這些話，我想會(huì)更有信服力一點(diǎn)，為毛要繃著一張臉十足十的詛咒樣呢，當(dāng)時(shí)我沒(méi)有ch0u他我也算是客氣了。                                                                                                             “我回去了?！?nbsp;                                                                                                            其實(shí)現(xiàn)在回答對(duì)我來(lái)說(shuō)已經(jīng)不重要了，人們不是常說(shuō)么，過(guò)程不重要，重要的是結(jié)果，而現(xiàn)在就是我的結(jié)果。                                                                                                             出了公寓樓，外頭的雨已經(jīng)下的很大了，b來(lái)的時(shí)候還要來(lái)的大。                                                                                                             我慢慢悠悠地走向離公寓有幾分鐘路程遠(yuǎn)的公交車(chē)站，以前總覺(jué)得電視里面失戀的人在雨中一邊行走一邊哭泣的樣子還是有點(diǎn)裝13的。                                                                                                             我哭不出來(lái)，只覺(jué)得被雨水淋到的時(shí)候真的很冷，冷的渾身都在發(fā)抖，甚至我都能聽(tīng)到自己牙齒碰撞的“嘚嘚嘚”聲，早知道出來(lái)的時(shí)候就應(yīng)該隨身帶上一把雨傘才對(duì)。                                                                                                             我從口袋里面掏出了手機(jī)，慢慢地按下了那早已爛熟于心的號(hào)碼，冷漠的聲音再度傳來(lái)，話筒里面?zhèn)鱽?lái)的聲音依舊是那冷漠至極的聲音。                                                                                                             其實(shí)，整個(gè)故事不管是從聽(tīng)起來(lái)還是看起來(lái)都像是一個(gè)笑話，就連這場(chǎng)ai情也是。                                                                                                             還好還好，我安慰自己，其實(shí)我也不是特別喜歡靳騏，只是我覺(jué)得寂寞了，有點(diǎn)空虛了，就像那個(gè)時(shí)候和江尚遠(yuǎn)交往的時(shí)候那樣，一點(diǎn)也不會(huì)傷心的，我可以吃好睡好，和以前沒(méi)有什么不同。                                                                                                             我相信，真的一點(diǎn)也不會(huì)覺(jué)得難受的。                                                                                                             回到寢室的時(shí)候，文雅和依依都在，一個(gè)一個(gè)手上拿了暖手寶在玩電腦，聽(tīng)那聲音就知道一定有是聯(lián)合一氣玩□□連連看，組合一隊(duì)有分一起賺了。                                                                                                             她們兩個(gè)也就只能玩玩□□看和人bb速度了，真沒(méi)出息！                                                                                                             “我回來(lái)了?！?nbsp;                                                                                                            我朝著她們打了聲招呼，然后開(kāi)始脫自己身上的衣服，因?yàn)闆](méi)帶傘的緣故，淋的還真的是有點(diǎn)凄涼。                                                                                                             “阿墨，你還好吧？”                                                                                                             文雅和依依難得給力地丟下手上鼠標(biāo)，連游戲也顧不上，從座位上站了起來(lái)。                                                                                                             “出門(mén)的時(shí)候忘記帶傘了，不小心淋了點(diǎn)雨。”                                                                                                             我迅速地把衣服脫了下來(lái)，丟在一邊，然后換上g凈的內(nèi)衣k攥了一條毛巾爬上了床，胡亂地抹了幾下頭發(fā)之后窩進(jìn)了被窩。                                                                                                             真冷啊，渾身冷冰冰的，就算窩在被窩里面也感覺(jué)不到一丁點(diǎn)的熱氣。                                                                                                             “阿墨，你沒(méi)事吧？”                                                                                                             文雅和依依拍了一下床沿問(wèn)著。                                                                                                             “唔，淋了點(diǎn)雨而已，大問(wèn)題沒(méi)有，就是現(xiàn)在有點(diǎn)冷?！蔽叶叨哙锣碌赝桓C里面鉆，企圖把自己彎成蝦米一樣，蜷縮著取暖。                                                                                                             “阿墨，你要不哭一場(chǎng)？哭出來(lái)會(huì)舒服的多。”文雅拍了一下我的被子，她的聲音悶悶的。                                                                                                             “說(shuō)什么傻話，無(wú)緣無(wú)故哭什么。”                                                                                                             我用手頂了一下文雅壓在我被窩上的手，被她這么壓著，感覺(jué)特別的悶的慌。                                                                                                             “又不是什么大不了的事情，文雅jiejie請(qǐng)把你的暖手寶借我暖一下……”                                                                                                             我從被窩里面伸出手，渾身發(fā)冷的我要依靠自己取暖那真的是一件很難的事情，果然還是要借助外在的力量。                                                                                                             “靠，你肯定要用來(lái)暖腳的！”                                                                                                             文雅隔著被子用力地拍了一下我的pgu，但是還是把手上的暖手寶遞了進(jìn)來(lái)，而且塞的不止一個(gè)，順帶連依依的也塞了進(jìn)來(lái)。                                                                                                             我抱著兩個(gè)暖手寶，感覺(jué)懷里面暖暖的，舒服多了，只是總覺(jué)得那么一角空著，空的讓人心慌。                                                                                                             “阿墨，別去想了他了?！蔽难藕鸵酪赖穆曇粼谕忸^響起。                                                                                                             “恩，”我應(yīng)了一聲，重重地點(diǎn)了點(diǎn)頭，“我沒(méi)想，又不是第一次談戀ai，要是這一次t重再增加的話，我也會(huì)覺(jué)得很苦惱啊?！?nbsp;                                                                                                            我真的沒(méi)想，真的。                                                                                                             “那想吃點(diǎn)什么？我給你食堂打包回來(lái)?！币酪纑0u了r0u我的腦袋，問(wèn)著。                                                                                                             “……小籠包子吧……”                                                                                                             上一次靳騏還說(shuō)等我寒假回來(lái)想要吃小籠包子的，還說(shuō)想要看看小籠包子到底是怎么做的，原本還想要做他嘗嘗的，但是現(xiàn)在看來(lái)，已經(jīng)沒(méi)這個(gè)機(jī)會(huì)了吧。                                                                                                             我想。